been feeling down lately,
thought of many ways to pick myself up again
so as usual
i thought clubbing always works
drinking always works for me
so yup
ladies night!
wednesday night was with no doubt awesome.
but scary
felt so helpless for the first time.
okay this is what happened
no offence to anyone..
but this is what i felt all along..
so no hard feelings:)
yup so met up with xiyi and head down to zouk
met mok and his frens there
so all drank tgt.
went in dance and stuffs
we left xiyi and nic alone.
and went to met up with daniel and his frens
continued drinking
and dance in zouk.
and coz i was the only girl there
i went to the toilet alone.
thats when everything started
i came back from the toilet.
and couldnt find anyone there
i dont even have my phone with me to contact
how pathetic can that be
that worst helpless feeling u get
its the worst
no one is there for u
at such a messy place
i went all around
into the dancefloor
couldnt find a single one of them there
i started to feel scared.
maybe its the alcohol kicking in or whatever
i can really feel the fear
its like theres no one that i cn go to
so i decided to get out of the place
cant remember when i started crying
i just cried the whole night
really whole night
cant imagine how i did that
luckily i met nic outside
den only i found out that xiyi left
and something else that is more shocking
more personal stuffs
so shall not post it here
met up with the rest
went back in for awhile
but still practically crying whole night
but after crying i felt so much better
they sent me back to woodlands
met up with vinsonn
stayed out till morning
thank you so much for accompanying me
with the super heavy alcohol smell on me
i will be killed the moment i step into the house..
after this night
i came to realize alot alot of things
things that i always thought i knew about myself
i can only blame myself for whatever that happened
i can now
firmly say that club is a scary place
very very scary
come to think of it
how much i have changed ever since i started stepping into that place
its feels like i have lost myself inside.
i changed so much that i couldnt even recognise myself
maybe now den i uds
what the real nightmare is
its that place that constantly reminding me of what ever happened in the past
its time that i should let go
let go of whatever that happened to me
all the bad memories
because if i dont
i will still be living this unhealthy life
i can feel that my body is getting weaker from all the alcohol
been drinking ever since sat till today
how bad can that be
i really gotta stop
stop dong these to myself
stop hurting myself so much because of others
what is lost is lost
its all the past
no use thinking and thinking about it
because things wouldnt change
its a fact
been trying really hard to get things off my mind
but in an unhealthy and harmful way
time for me to wake up
get back to how i use to be
to the innocent girl i was back then
i really dont wish to continue seeing myself like that
in this pathetic state that i am in
met up with andy just now
sort of htht session
he too thinks that i have changed alot since last time
its far too scary how bad habits like clubbing and drinking can change someone
time to change
yes im serious this time
its a promise i have made to myself
i have to get up myself after falling down.
just a matter of how long
but i wont be afraid too
because i know there will always be ppl that appreciate me
ppl who will always stand by me
its through whatever happened ytd night
that made me realize how many ppl out there who cares
and i should really stop torturing myself like that
yes i gotta wake up
gotta study and enjoy life like how i did in the past:)
and to that someone
if u r reading this
last long with her:)
stay happy!
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